Why “Happy Holidays!” Is a Slap Across the Face and How to Fight Back

Remember the good ol’ days when December rolled around and everyone said, “Merry Christmas!” ? Neither do I. But my mom does. When she was a child no one uttered the phrase, “Happy Holidays.” In fact, if you hopped in a time machine, traveled back to Christmas Eve 1950, snuck into my mom’s bedroom, grabbed her by the shoulders and shouted, “Happy Holidays!” she’d scream, thinking you were talking to her in Chinese language.

如果你不反对战争在圣诞节打那么圣诞节就会被谋杀，这将是你的错。而当你说一句话， “圣诞节”你的孙子，他们会认为你在说他们在埃及的语言，因为他们不知道你在说什么 – 而不是因为他们的小宝宝，无法理解英语，但因为这个词，“圣诞节”将不存在, 所以他们会从来没有听说过它。所以，想想，下次有人说, “节日快乐!”

If I Did That, Why Would Your Mom Think I Was Talking to Her in Chinese Language?

Because the greeting, “Happy Holidays!” didn’t exist in 1950.  It was during a séance in 1960 that Asa Vajda, a pagan witch, birthed the greeting as a curse to destroy Christmas (according to my pastor).

Why Would a Pagan Witch Want to Destroy Christmas?

Because Christmas represents everything pagan witches hate: Baby Jesus, Virgin Mary, wise-men, gingerbread men, little drummer boys, reindeer, carols, candy canes, stockings, eggnog, etc. Plus more people converted to Christianity on Christmas than any other day of the year and that also annoyed Asa the witch (according to my pastor).

So How Would the greeting, “Happy Holidays!” destroy Christmas?

Imagine the greeting, “Merry Christmas” is a red Mazda Miata and the greeting, “Happy Holidays!” is a black monster truck. Now imagine one sunny day the Miata is minding his own business, cruising down the boulevard.  Everyone who sees the Miata smiles and waves because it’s such a cute and friendly car. Then out of nowhere the monster truck speeds through a red light and crushes the Miata. Now imagine this happening thousands of times a day. You know what would happen? Monster trucks would kill off all the Miatas.

If you love Christmas and use the greeting, “Merry Christmas!” then you’re like the Miata, spreading joy everywhere you go. And if you hate Christmas and use the greeting, “Happy Holidays!” you’re like the monster truck, destroying every Miata in sight. So when someone says, “Happy Holidays!” it should be taken as a personal attack. But since cars and trucks aren’t people, it may be easier to imagine yourself slapped across the face by the person wishing you, “Happy Holidays!”

Great Analogy but I’m a Scientific Person so I like Facts. What’s the Evidence Proving Christmas Is under Attack?

I used to be a skeptic like you, but then I slid on my scientist gloves and examined the evidence under the microscope. To save you time, I’ve listed some facts below:

1. This year over 20 stores, including PetSmart and Footlocker have replaced the greeting, “Merry Christmas!” with, “Happy Holidays!” or ”Seasons Greetings!”
2. Every year over 230 Christmas trees mysteriously catch on fire inside homes. People inside these homes often burn to death.
3. Dec 2013: A Christian pastor in Loma Linda, California was beaten unconscious and sodomized while decorating his church with Christmas lights.
4. In 1991 General Mills discontinued their top-selling breakfast cereal Christmas Cookie-Crisp and replaced it with, Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crisp.

   Pro-Christmas cereal vs anti-Christmas cereal

5. Dec 2013: The Blessed Virgin Mary figure was stolen from a nativity scene in front of a home in Colorado Springs, Colorado. The following day it was recovered after it was smeared with feces and thrown through the window of a Hobby Lobby.
6. Dec 2014: Macy’s unleashed a gift card with the child-friendly anti-Christmas greeting, “Smurfy Holidays” above a picture of Papa Smurf.
7. Dec 18^th, 2013: A 50-year old statue of Jesus was beheaded and replaced with a goat head in a nativity scene in downtown Chehalis, WA. Jesus’ head was then gift-wrapped in blood-soaked pornography magazines and shipped to the home of a local pastor, who opened the package in front of his family on Christmas morning.
8. This year candy cane sales are down 13%
9. It is now illegal to celebrate Christmas in the following places: Algeria, Gambia,Libya, Morocco, Somalia, Kuwait, Oman, and Syria.
10. Pulaski, TN December 13^th, 2014: Three masked men wielding guns stormed a church nativity play and kidnapped two-year-old Jonathon Heath Campbell, the baby playing Jesus. Three days later bite-sized body parts began surfacing in holiday cookies that were shipped out as gifts to churches throughout Portland, OR.
11. Dec 2014: Disney Removed, “Christmas” from its Christmas Party Billboard Promotions.

    Disney’s anti-Christmas billboard

Now I’m Angry and I’m All In. How Do I Fight Back before Christmas Is Killed Off?

You know what God says about anger? “Don’t go to bed angry” (Eph 4:26 GWT). So first off, I suggest you take part in a stress-relieving activity like racquetball, jogging, sauna, breaking something of little value or another healthy outlet that will calm your anger. After addressing this issue you may fight the War on Christmas in peace. The first step is to say, “Merry Christmas!” to everyone you encounter. Second, when someone wishes you, “Happy Holidays!” or, “Seasons Greetings!” confront that person and explain how the greeting makes you feel. Then tell them to knock it off. Lastly, only shop at pro-Christmas stores and boycott anti-Christmas stores.

 I Followed Your Suggestion and Jogged – I’m No Longer Angry. I’m Ready To Fight. So How Do I Tell the Difference between Pro-Christmas Stores and Anti-Christmas Stores?

Pro-Christmas stores like to say, “Merry Christmas!” and anti-Christmas stores like to say, “Happy Holidays!” or “Seasons Greetings!” Before buying Christmas presents make sure to use my shopping/boycott guide below: 

(print out copies to hand out to family, friends, co-workers, and strangers)

I Can Buy Everything I Need from the pro-Christmas Stores – This Is Great! And I Printed Copies to Pass out While I Shop.

That’s a great Idea!

Thank You!

You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help. I’ll leave you with the following video, another prime example of  a local business waging War on Christmas.

(Be prepared for the, “Happy Holiday” slap across the face at the end of the video)

Shopping for God,

Jake Z

Have you purchased all you Christmas gifts from pro-Christmas shops? If so, what did you buy? Are you excited about your great finds? If so, send me pictures and I’ll post them to the site.